They Used to Call Me 'SLOTS'

I related this story to some of my neighbors and Jeff demanded that I post it. It is embarrassing, humiliating, and gross. Plus, as a public service announcement, don't let your kids put coins in their mouths. I am warning you in advance, the following is way above 'G' rating, so continue at your own risk.

Anyway, a couple of years back, Tara and I bought a family season pass to Seven Peaks Waterpark in Provo. The park is cool with lots of slides that go straight down. These slides are popular, but if you have ever gone down one of the slides you will understand the meaning of ATOMIC WEDGIE. Seriously, you get going so fast down these slides that they have a landing strip of water that is flat along the ground for about 50 yards. Every person that stands up from those slides has to take a moment to re-adjust if you catch my drift.

So, on this particular day I brought my 12 year old cousin with my family. We decided to go down the super steep slide. She went first, but as she was about to go down the slide, the lifeguard made her take off her homemade board shorts. Apparently, there is a rule at the park that you can only go down those steep slides with actual swimwear. Her shorts were cut off sweats that they thought would get damaged by the high speed. So she took off her shorts and held onto them on the way down. Now it was my turn. I shot down the slide faster than I have ever gone. When I hit the bottom of the slide and started to slow down, I felt a sharp pain in my derriere. Obviously I was realizing the pain from my anticipated ATOMIC WEDGIE. I stood, re-adjusted, and jumped off the slide. I noticed that my cousin went back to the slide. I looked and she was picking up coins from the bottom of the slide. She had lost the change in her sweat shorts as she went down and wanted to retrieve her loot. I told her to get out of the way before she got hit by someone flying out of the slide.

The walk back to our beach towels was painful. That ATOMIC WEDGIE must have done a number on me. It hurt to sit down and I didn't go down one of those steep slides for the rest of the day. We stayed at Seven Peaks for another 5 hours that day before we started for home. The ride home was also irritable. I just couldn't get comfortable in my seat. I even wondered if a slide-induced ATOMIC WEDGIE could leave permanent damage to my body.

It was a long day, so we got home, threw the kids in the tub, and put them to bed. I smelt like a mixture of chlorine, sweat, and sunscreen, so I jumped into the shower as well. As I opened the door and stepped into the shower (remember I am completely buck at this point) I heard a "clink clink" on the shower floor. I looked down only to find that I had dropped a quarter from some mysterious place. It ends up that when I went down that slide, after my cousin had dropped her money, that I picked up a souvenir along the way. This explains the severe pain I went through for about 6 hours and I may be the first person to have experienced an EPIC & POSSIBLY TERMINAL -THERMONUCLEAR WEDGIE (several grades more severe than the famed ATOMIC WEDGIE). Let me make myself clear, do not under any circumstances let your children place coins in their mouths!